Marketing Jokes

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Retail Jokes

A retailer was dismayed when a competitor selling the same type of product opened next-door to him, displaying a large sign proclaiming "Best Deals." Not long after that, he was horrified to find yet another competitor move in next door, on the other side if his store. It's large sign was even more disturbing—"Lowest Prices." After his initial panic, and concern that he would be driven out of business, he looked for a way to turn the situation to his marketing advantage. Finally, an idea came to him. Next day, he proudly unveiled a new and huge sign over his front door. It read, "Main Entrance!"

Spin Selling

The Truth According to MicroSoft Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God immediately recognizes him and says to him "Bill Gates -- you're a great man. I shall give you a choice of either heaven or hell." Bill Gates tells God that he would like to see both before making a decision. So God takes Bill Gates down to Hell, where there are beautiful, nubile bikini models, perfect weather, free drinks, and eternal happiness. "That doesn't seem so bad," says Gates. "Let's see Heaven now." God and Gates go to Heaven, which seems to be just a bunch of old, crusty angels flying around and sitting on a few clouds. "I've made my decision," says Gates. "I choose Hell." Six months later, God goes down to Hell to check on him and finds him hanging above a pit of fire with wild harpies tearing out his intestines. "What happened to all the bikini models and the sun and the fun?" Gates screams. "Oh, that," says God. "That was just the demo." Softball Game An interoffice softball game was held every year between the Marketing Department and support staff of one company. The day of the game, as hard as the Marketers tried, the support staff whipped the Marketing Department soundly. In their best tradition, the Marketing Department decided to find the best "spin" they could on the dismal result. They showed how they earn their keep by posting this memo on the bulletin board after the game: "The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the recently-completed Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game all year."   The Difference Between Optimism, Pessimism & Marketing The Optimist says, "The glass is half full." The Pessimist says, "The glass is half empty." The Marketing Consultant says, "Your glass needs re-sizing."   It's All in How You Look at It A mother relayed this experience, "I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. I was so surprised to see she was stark naked. As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt'!" Marketing moral: See? It's all in the perspective. How do you look at your marketing problems?   Humor in Marketing In light of Hurricane Isabel's recent havoc, here are a few bumper stickers that might be making their way to market: - Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. - A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. - Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? - Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. - Give me ambiguity or give me something else. - Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. - Out of my mind...Back in five minutes. Marketing moral: Use humor to make the sale. Despite what your teachers told you, sometimes it's good to be a smart aleck. Try This While sitting at your desk, make clockwise circles with your right foot. While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. What direction is your foot going now? Marketing moral: Focus, focus, focus! You might be a marketer if... ...you refer to dating as test marketing. Grandma's Ham One day, shortly after Suzie and Jeff got married, Jeff came into the kitchen to find his new bride preparing a ham to go in the oven. Suzie took the ham and cut off both ends and then put it in the baking pan. "Why did you do that?" asked her surprised husband. "That's the way Mom taught me to do it," she replied. But since she didn't really know why she was supposed to be doing it, they decided to ask her mom the next time they saw her. When they asked Mom why she told Suzie to cut off both ends of the ham before baking it, her mother replied,"That's the way Grandma taught me to do it." Since no one knew exactly why they were supposed to do this, they decided to ask Grandma. "Grandma, you taught Mom and Mom taught me to cut off both ends of the ham before baking it. Why do you do it that way?" Suzie asked. "To fit the pan," replied Grandma. Don't get caught up in always doing things as they have always been done! It may be time to think of a new way to do it! Stuck for ideas? Learn new ways to tackle your marketing challenges (or any other problems, for that matter!) in Special Report #3: Getting Creative: Methods to Your Madness. It will help you generate LOTS of new ideas. And you can download it and be reading it in minutes, for just $9. It's Rough Out There Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all John and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds." "Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend. "Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first." Marketing moral: Ya gotta have a goal!

 

 

Advertising slogans translated...

From "American Demographics" magazine, here’s a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans into foreign languages.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue’s line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca- Cola." The only problem was that the characters used meant "Bite the wax tadpole." They later changed to a set of
characters that mean "Happiness in the mouth."

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

Thanks to Joan Stewart at The Publicity Hound for these funny, but REAL headlines:

• Astronauts’ wives thrilled with re-entry

• GOP freshmen turn on Gingrich

• Marshals seize breast implants

• Marijuana issue sent to a joint committee

• Outdoorsman caught in trap while urinating

• Chicago checking on elderly in heat

• Parking lot floods when man bursts

 

How many subscribers to a web email list
does it take to change a light bulb?

ANSWER:

Watch what you say in your ads! Here are a few that didn't communicate exactly what the advertiser hoped they would:

A Built-In Target Audience

A visiting customer is taken on a tour of a latex products factory by the factory's marketing manager.

At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the marketer. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.

The machine makes a noise: "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!"

"Wait a minute!" says the customer. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

 

Marketing Apples

A young man asked a rich old man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. Marketing was the key to my success."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two-million dollars.

 

Why is Santa's Marketing Better Than Yours?

Did you ever wonder why Santa's marketing works better than
yours? Practically everyone in the world knows who Santa
is. Does everyone know who you are? I didn't think so!
Maybe you should take some lessons from Santa.

My friend, Sean D'Souza from Auckland, New Zealand, has
given me permission to give you his whitepaper, "Ho! Ho!
Ho! Why Santa's Marketing Works Better Than Yours!" I think
you'll enjoy it, and feel free to pass it on to your
friends and clients. You can download it (PDF format) from
here.

Learning How to Market: Southern Style

My husband, Don Crawford, is very successful in sales. He is the sales and marketing manager at a custom metal fabricating company, Shickel Corp.  Don often wears his sales manager hat at home and coaches me on ways to improve my business, as well as giving me much-appreciated ideas to help my clients.
 
My straight-forward (or should I say...brash) nature helps me to talk with clients about sensitive issues like budgets and money without much trouble.  But Don tells me that when it comes to asking for the order, saying, "Are you gonna write the check
or what?" might not be the best approach. ;-)
 
My Southern husband suggests that I might want to modify my Northern-speak to a closing line more suited for the South..." Y'all gotta come buy sumpin' now, ya' hear?"... followed by a beautiful smile.
 
What y'all think?

From The Accidental Comic

The other day my computer flashed a message: "You have
been idle for a long time." Just what I need, my computer
telling me I'm fat and lazy! Hey, that's what mothers are
for.

"I'm sitting in front of my computer and I keep hitting 'escape' but I'm still here!"
(Maxine cartoon)

 

Examples of Viral Marketing

Political Joke

 

Good, Old-Fashioned Word-of-Mouth Advertising

Fergus O'Flannagan from Ballyfriggin in County Clare, Ireland had fallen on hard times and the only thing he had left in the world is Dolly, his faithful donkey.

Fergus was out of work for three months and down to his last crust of bread, when he spots a sign outside St. George's Church of Ireland that says "Handyman Wanted.
Apply Within."

So in he goes, gets the job, and not only that, the Vicar tells him his starving ass can go into the fields owned by the church—and eat all the grass he wants.

A week has hardly gone by when people start talking about Fergus being seen going into St. George's Protestant Church every single day of the week—except Sunday. [That's word- of-mouth advertising for you!]

As soon as Father Feelgood gets to hear about it, he sends word for Fergus to come and see him ASAP.

"Why Fergus," the priest says, "why in God's name would you-— good Catholic—go to St. George's every single day of the week?"

"Father," Fergus replies, "It's just a job. I come to St. Mary's on Sundays to save my soul. I go to St. George's to save my ass."

Joke by John O'Callaghan. For a copy of John's new ebook, "10 Secrets of Success That Can Make You Rich," subscribe to John's free e-zine, "Success, Money and Power" by emailing him.

 

 

UNSPOKEN GRAPHIC DESIGN RULES

Thanks to http://www.bizcommunity.com for this one:

• Your fonts will default to the worst possible font available on the machine you are showing your work on.
• The less time you have, the more useless your computer will become.
• If you have two versions of a photo, the wrong one will make its way to the printer.
• Promises made by the sales staff have no basis in reality.
• The sales staff will promise anything.
• If the text consists of two words, one will be misspelled.
• Speed. Quality. Affordability. Pick any two.
• If the run is wrong, it's never the press operator's fault.
• Spell checkers don't.
• Grammar checkers don't, neither.

 

Thanks to http://www.geekynetgirl.com for this:

The Pope and Marketing

A KFC marketing consultant gained an audience with the Pope, and offered him a million dollars if he would change “The Lord's Prayer” from “give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken.” The Pope refused the offer.

Two weeks later, the consultant offered the Pope 10 million dollars to change it from “give us this day our daily bread”to “give us this day our daily chicken” and again the Pope refused the generous offer.

Another week later, the consultant offered the Pope $20 million, and finally the Pope accepted.

The following day, the Pope briefed his staff.

“I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we have just received a check for $20 million. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!”

 

This article, attributed to Andy Rooney, was sent in by Joan Stewart, The Publicity Hound:

Telemarketing and Junk Mail Tips from Andy Rooney

• Three Little Words That Work!

The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep- beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

• Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

 

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!

• Junk Mail Help

 

When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

You could send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back! You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 37 cents.

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work—I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

Comebacks for telemarketers who bother you at home at inopportune times:

Thanks to AhaJokes.com:

Watch what you say in your ads. Here are a few real ads from around the U.S.:

• In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

• In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."

• In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

• In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10.
  They won't last an hour!"

• On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament—Ears Pierced"